the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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