Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Small penises have feelings too.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
