guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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