I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We left an ass print on the piano.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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