yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
