I'm going to jail i love you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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