Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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