I looked at my own cervix.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
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I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
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I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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