I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
