Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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