Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
