I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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