I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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