Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
