Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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