I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
