Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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