This is not my ceiling
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
