my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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