Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
