piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
