i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My feet surprised me
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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