You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
