I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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