you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
