I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
