I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
