I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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