worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
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Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize