He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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