It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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