The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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