why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My cat gives me a boner
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
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My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.