Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize