I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
