I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
