do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
