I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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