Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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