You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize