I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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