Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
