I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
