her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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