dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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