I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
