so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
