maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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