Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
