I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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