my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
