i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
