i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
