I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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