Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
