happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
time to smoke my breakfast
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
