Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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