i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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